Grateful for the Sorrow.

"God sometimes marvelously raiseth the souls of his saints with some close and near approaches unto them -- gives them a sense of His eternal love, a taste of the embraces of His Son and the inhabitation of the Spirit, without the least intervening disturbance; and then this is their assurance. But this life is not a season to be always taking wages in; our work is not yet done; we are not always to abide in this mount; we must down again into the battle -- fight again, cry again, complain again. Shall the soul be thought now to have lost its assurance? Not at all. It had before assurance with joy, triumph, and exultation; it hath it now, or may have, with wrestling, cries, tears, and supplications. And a man's assurance may be as good, as true, when he lies on the earth with a sense of sin, as when he is carried up to the third heaven with a sense of love and foretaste of glory." - John Owen


When I read this today, I was both encouraged and convicted. I've found that Owen's works manage to strike those two prominent feelings at the same time in my heart, and it creates the perfect chemistry. While realizing how hopeless I am, I realize how incredible God is.


Sometimes I think to myself, "When do I feel God most near?" Because when God is most near to me, I am most satisfied. When I ask that, I immediately think of worship. When I sing to God, whether it's sitting in my friend's family room with a lone guitar or literally shouting to the Lord surrounded by thousands of voices at the Sears Centre, I feel His presence so clearly. I think of the times when I get in the car with Laura and turn on praise music to the max. Singing is an enormous part of my emotions, and since I'm an extremely emotional person, an enormous part of my emotions is an enormous part of me, period. I know that God has put this passion into me because He knows it will take hold of me and make me so, so much more aware of His amazing beauty.

Anytime I'm truly upset, it's because I'm having an inner struggle that my sinful mind refuses to hand over to Him. Apathy is the biggest, I think. I won't dig too deep into that, (another post...) but I believe it's the worst thing you can go through. You feel absolutely nothing. No joy, no motivation, no emotion...just blank apathy. So it's definitely those times when I feel most distant from God. 


That could confuse some people. Is apathy worse than emotional pain? To me, yes. And I'll tell you why. I've experienced pain. At one point in my childhood, I had the worst experience of my life, and the pain hasn't gone away and I don't think it ever will. It still haunts me and takes my breath away for all the sadness I feel. And guess what?


I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the sorrow.


Because in those moments of pain - not just pain inflicted by that particular event, but all emotional pain I've ever felt - God is nearer than when I worship and I'm joyful. When I curl up on my bed and cry like there's no tomorrow, I get the most acute sense that He's wrapping his arms around me and it gives me peace that is past understanding. This is something that came to me not too long ago. It hit me like a rock. Realizing it was astounding.


Because up until then, I had dealt with those moments of pain by telling myself that I deserved it. And of course, it's undeniably true. Like John Piper says in "Life is a Vapor", everything we receive here on earth is mercy. Compared to what we deserve, the worst experience on this earth is mercy. Pondering that humbles me. But there's even more.

God, in His amazing, amazing grace, is just in His actions. I deserve much more than that trauma, I deserve hell. But yet...YET...God has used the worst experience of my life for good. I'm serious when I say that the worst thing that happened to me is also the best thing that has happened to me. Of all the joyful things I've experienced in life, nothing has brought me closer to God. Because...nothing else has made me feel my need for Him more than my trials. And that has brought me the most everlasting and satisfying joy. God is just, and He brings trials, and we know we deserve it...and then He uses them to bring us joy. He piles mercy on top of mercy. It's mind-boggling. 


And then I can truly say, I'm grateful for the sorrow.